Be Care-Full
How many times a day do we parents tell our children to “be careful?” We tell them when they leave the house, when they start to drive, when they go off to adulthood, and a million times in between. I’ve been thinking about that a lot, lately, and what exactly do we mean by “be careful.” I think we are just trying to help them remember to keep themselves safe.
As I thought about all that, it occurred to me that saying “be careful” might mean something else that is also important. These days it seems as if a lot of people aren’t being very careful about their words or their actions. You can’t read the news without coming across disgruntled writers going on about a person or idea that makes them upset. The upset part doesn’t bother me, but their rhetoric does. Things are so divisive in the United States right now and I believe much of it has to do with how we are talking to each other. In fact, it seems as if we are doing a lot of shouting and very little listening. The other side (whatever that is) is always wrong and our side is always right.
Is that how we’re bringing up our children? That life is a zero-sum game? Or are we trying to raise adults that understand the importance of listening to the other side, of trying to find some common ground, so that problems can be solved, and decisions made.
I’m not advocating that we stop saying “be careful.” I am, however, suggesting that we also incorporate a little more into those two little words. I’m also suggesting that one way to help our children be more careful with their words and their attitudes is to model that in our families. Our children won’t think others’ ideas are important if no one thinks theirs are. We need to actively listen when our children bring up ideas and questions.
Active listening means we aren’t doing anything else while they are talking. It means we look them full-on and give them our full attention. This sends the message that what they are thinking about is important (if only to them) and that we want them to share with us. Not only does this model good listening, but it also makes them feel comfortable enough to ask questions and to open up conversations that they might otherwise keep to themselves. Or that they might share with peers or other adults. Wouldn’t we rather they start with us? Starting with us happens when they believe they have a voice and that we are happy to hear it.
Some weeks ago I copied a quote from where I don’t remember, but it hangs on the wall above my desk. I thought this might be a good time to share it. I hope it resonates with you as it has with me.
“If you’re not listening to the kid, then you shouldn’t be talking to him.”
