Smartphones – Are They Dumbing Down our Relationships?
Some years ago I read an article in the New York Times about how children are becoming increasingly frustrated with how much attention their parents are paying to their tech devices and not to them. The article opened with a little boy and his mother in an elevator. She was checking her email on her phone and he was trying to ask her a question. He kept saying “Mama, Mama.” She kept saying “in a minute”. This played out for a few rounds and then, in a scene of utter defeat, the little boy yelled “Aaaahhhhhg” and bit her on the leg.
Yes, that happened several years ago and yes, I’ve been thinking about it off and on ever since. I think about it in the grocery store when I see a mom talking on her phone and her child either bored to tears walking next to her or riding in the cart with all the bread, milk, and toilet paper. I think about it on the beach when I see parents taking a picture of their child jumping in the waves instead of getting up out of their chairs and getting wet with them. I think about it when I see parents in restaurants looking at their phones instead of having a conversation with their kids. And I think about it when I catch myself checking my messages while my husband’s trying to tell me about something that happened at work.
Now this isn’t to say phones are bad, because they aren’t. We wouldn’t get half done what we do without them. But, and I’ll be the first to admit it, it’s a little too easy to pick up that phone, isn’t it? And it’s immediate – no waiting. And it makes us feel a little important, like we need to take care of this NOW. And we’ve become oh so tech-savvy – how smart are we! And, if we’re really telling the truth here, it can be a little addictive, too, can’t it?
But the more I think about it all, the more I think we might be letting that technology interfere – and dilute –our most-important relationships.
Have you heard of Sherry Turkle? She’s a Professor at MIT and she’s written a number of insightful and thought-provoking books over the years about people and their technology. Her latest one is Alone Together and it’s all about how isolated and relationship-deprived we’re letting our technology make us. She interviewed hundreds of children and teens and her findings show that kids of all ages want their parents’ attention more than anything else in the whole wide world. They want to have conversations to share ideas and questions, and especially to share experiences with their parents. Sadly, however, they tell Ms. Turkle that technology seems to be taking priority over authentic face-to-face time.
So, what can we do about this? None of us is going to throw way our smart phone. Nor should we. But maybe we could start with a few tech-free zones. Like the dinner table. Or the car. Or the grocery store. (Substitute mall, post office, doctor’s office, anything you want.) And let’s start small. That way we can see what works best.
How about if I go first? Tonight, when I have dinner with my husband I’m going to put our phones in another room and close the door so we can’t hear them. Hopefully we‘ll have a nice uninterrupted conversation – focused on just ourselves and what we did today.
What about you? What can you do to add a little more attention and, in the process, “smarten up” your relationships?
